Me and Betty Kamen phD

Me and my brother Benn

Me and Jackie Lapin, PR Goddess

Me and Aireene Espiritu and Rick DiDia

My forth book party was in San Francisco at the home of my friend Kathi Kamen Goldmark (Author, radio producer, founder and member of the Rock Bottom Remainders, winner of the 2008 Woman’s National Book Association Award.)

Me and Kathi Kamen Goldmark

I was nervous anticipating speaking in front of people I didn’t know, many of them in the book world. On my way there I stopped at Grace Cathedral to calm my mind. There, I got the peace and inspiration I needed to just let go and be myself.

I enjoyed preparing the veggie BLTs and Greenyacolads (recipes at bottom.)

Though calm, I was still a bit worried that either no one would show or too many would show. I had a edible BLT and then a few spiritual ones (Breathe, Let go and Trust). Grace seemed to be in charge and just the right amount (about 20) and the right people flowed in. It was a lovely combination; people I knew from volunteering at the radio show West Coast Live, old and new friends of Kathi’s some of which I knew over the years, my former husband’s sister and brother-in-law that I haven’t seen near enough of in many years and love, one of my favorite music duos, Aiereen and Rick and a new friend I met on an airplane almost 2 years earlier.

Kathi’s mom, Betty Kamen PhD (Author and Nutrition expert) introduced me. This is what she said:

It was too long ago for me to recall the details. What I do remember is my surprise when Kathi said, “I’ve invited 12-year-old Kai to spend a week with us, but I have some meetings in the city…”
All I could say was: “But, but, but —“
How could I explain to my daughter that this was supposed to be the SUMMER OF ME — the first summer my kids were old enough for me to do – finally — WHAT I WANTED TO DO!
But now: A twelve-year-old???
My concerns dissolved, however, on the very day Kai arrived.  She overheard a discussion I was having with my husband about a problem with a friend, and she said, “Why don’t you just tell your friend how you feel about this?”
I was completely taken aback by this logical solution from a child, and that was the moment I realized that this little girl was no ordinary 12-year-old!
As the vacation progressed I found myself looking to Kai for solutions to other relationship problems that came my way, and I continued to be fascinated by her insights and wisdom.
My “Summer of Concern” quickly dissolved into a “Summer of Delight.”
I’ve watched Kai grow up to become an accomplished chef, a terrific mother, and now an author. Not only has she embraced the nutritional knowledge I’ve promoted over the years, but she has added her own unique, personal ingredients.
It has been my honor and privilege to able to call Kai MY VERY GOOD FRIEND! She is truly one of a kind.

The rest of the evening was smooth and fun. People said they enjoyed it and were inspired… one woman said I should be on Oprah! LOTS of books sold and Kathi said she was very impressed with how I handled everything. A perfect evening. Thank you Kathi and Betty and everyone who came!

It’s amazing how often I forget to trust that I don’t have to do everything on my own and that if just I let go and be myself… there is almost always grace.

Greenyacolada:

3 cups Organic Mango lemonade (T.J.s)

1 cup each, organic coconut milk, frozen mangoes, frozen pineapple and ice

2 handfuls of spinach and or other greens

Blend all ingredients in high-speed blender and enjoy!

Veggie BLTs

Good bread, toasted (I used Milton’s whole grain and rice bread)

Morning Star Breakfast strips

Vegenaisse or Organic Mayo

Sliced Tomato

Lettuce

Truly letting go brings such wonderful feelings and experiences. It is natural to then want to hold on to these amazing joys and freedoms. Who would want to let them go? I’m discovering that’s the tricky part. Last week I did my first book signing parties in LA for “The BLT That Saved My Life”. They ended up being fun, uplifting and successful but I got pretty stressed out leading up to them. Somehow I felt in order to effectively communicate about my transformative experience of facing death, I had to hold onto it and be in control.

Being in LA and putting on these events brought me somewhat back into a combination of my old catering business, live TV pressure and sales anxiety as if I was back working in the personal growth field needing to sign people up for a workshop… convince them of the value of what I was sharing and writing about and out of the pure joy of living I have been feeling most of the time since this whole thing happened. Part of the idea of these events was of course to promote the book… but really I just wanted to celebrate completing it and all the growth that came from the process of putting it together. It has also been a perfect excuse to connect with old friends and new.

I also fell back into my 5th gear “human doing” mode where I push myself too hard and do too much and don’t take the best possible care of myself. If I’m in 5th gear for too long, I tend to crash, which I did the day after making the long drive home. Feeling bad had its blessings though; it woke me up. I realized that if I try to hold on to the magical, blissful experiences I talk about in my book, I can lose them. When I try to “bottle and sell it” it’s illusive.

So leading up to last night’s book party at my dad’s house in Lakeprot, I started really letting go. I had to get to a place of not caring if anyone showed up, anyone liked what I was saying or bought  books. I remembered that I started doing this for the pure joy of expressing myself and following my heart. I realized that I have no interest in selling anything, only sharing, to those who are drawn to it. As I let go, I found my freedom again.  I held on enough to show up, make the green smoothies and veggie BLTs and then let go enough to go with the flow and be present and let what I wanted to say come naturally. Everyone was wonderful and there was peace,  love and laughter in the room. While letting go on my hike the morning of the event I thought of just putting a container with a sign on it with the price of the book, then I didn’t have to even be involved in selling it… the books sold themselves.

The adventure of writing  “The BLT That Saved My Life” has been a crash course in ego burning. Putting my innermost thoughts and feelings on paper and out into the world makes me feel naked but free. Keeping the ego in check is one of the big challenges as this journey expands. Many people are now reading the book and sending me wonderful reviews (I added some at the bottom of this page). The trick seems to be to not let this great feedback make me think I have control or know how to write because I want it to always be fresh and inspired. The flip side of ego is letting the hard stuff (like people not showing for the parties, buying the book but not reading it or not saying anything… I can only imagine the worst!) make me feel like I am not good enough. Either side of the ego in this case doesn’t further the cause of joy, love and freedom, which was the whole point of this undertaking in the first place!

The best thing I have seen on the subject of creativity and ego is a TED Talk given by Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) www.ted.com/speakers/elizabeth_gilbert.html .  Very inspiring and wise!

I n the future I will try to post more often (like once a week) then maybe they won’t be so long!

Thanks for reading!

With love and respect,

Kai

Blurbs

This is my first blog post EVER… and I’m a little intimidated. In general it won’t be this long! My plan is to update it pretty regularly with short posts… but we will see!
My teenage daughter informed me that if  want to really be an author, sell my book and I have a website, I better have a blog and start posting. So here goes…
Does this thing have spell check? Does it come with an editor? Yikes!
It’s Mother’s Day and I feel like I’m giving birth again. This time to my book “The BLT That Saved My Life.” There has even been labor pain and swelling, not to mention wild cravings.
The book has a lot to do with living in the moment with more joy, love and gratitude.
Just as the first finished copies of the books were scheduled to arrive at my door, I seemed to be less in the moment than I had been in the two years since coming close to death and coming alive in a whole new way. Maybe the pressure of thinking that in order to promote the book successfully I have to be a “perfect” example of everything I’m talking about in the book; an expert. Yeah right! Give me a break! Maybe it was all the excitement of the upcoming book tour and re-connecting with old friends. So much happening so fast, SO much to do that I thought I’d better take control so I could manage all this! Or just really bad peri-menopause or something I ate.
No matter what the cause,  I am starting to see the beauty in it all and the “Perfection” of losing it right as I am about to go public with it. I get to re-experience the ego death and rebirth, not take this amazing experience for granted and remember to let go even more.
This last week or two, I forgot that my quiet, inner voice is my boss. I fell into thinking my “To Do” list, other people and money were my bosses. Before my near near-death experience, I could go much longer periods being out of the moment, disconnected from myself.  Now it feels like death. In the past two years (even with all of life’s ups and downs) I had only felt off  for an hour or two once in a while…. until last week. It happened just long enough to really wake me up and get me ready to speak about my book in the present! It is fresh all over again, once again…
I think life is just too complicated these days to try to figure it all out and take control. There are too many choices, too much to do and experience to manage from my head.
I find that when remember to Breathe and  really Let go (of ego, fear, perfectionism and to the “Gods”) and Trust (that all is well, things are happening just as they should be) then Slow down enough to Be in the moment, then what I should do next, naturally occurs to me. I don’t even really need to think or decide. When I am present, Enjoy, Love myself and others and remember to be Thankful, I seem to be able to listen to my heart and my body. When I’m not, I overwork, overeat and generally over worry about everything.  Maybe things don’t always turn out “perfect” with this method, but life is richer, more peaceful and a lot more fun. This is what I mean by imperfect is the new perfect.
About 25 years ago I was at a meditation intensive led by Gurumayi Chidvilasananda. She opened the weekend by saying “I have good news and I have bad news. Which do you want first?” The crowd of hundreds wanted the good news first. She went on: “The good news is that you are perfect just the way you are. The bad news is that you are perfect the way you are.” I think she was trying to impart something about acceptance.
Someone else wise once told me that if I let go to the higher order of things, my circumstances may not turn out the way I thought they needed to be to bring me happiness, but the experience of living my life would be beyond my wildest dreams. I have found this to be true.  Though being the human that I am, I seem to try to control things again when fear arises. Much, much less since almost dying and discovering BLT’SBELT, but I still go back to it now and then. Maybe to remember how precious the gift of living in the moment is. Sometimes it’s scary to let go of control and trust but it is SO worth it!

If you got to this blog from other than my website… check it out at kaibravo.com or bltsbelt.com

Thank you!

Kai